Do you ever have occasion to be startled by your ability to act unrighteously? I’m a Christian and have been so for about eighteen years but am finding that I can think, talk and act in a particular way that would make it seem as if I had never experienced the mercy of God. Though this isn’t the norm for me, it is frequent enough to remind me that I am absolutely dependent upon God and His grace if i am to live in a way that fittingly represents the King to whom I belong: Case in point:
This week I learned two pieces of information concerning two separate men who had, in years past, caused me harm. Both of them thought they were doing the right thing but I boldly declare that they were misguided and operating in the flesh at the times of the conflicts. The details are not important but suffice it to say that these two gentlemen had individually worked against me in order to bring harm to my name, my ministry and my own heart. When it was occurring I struggled immensely at behaving towards them in a Christ-like manner and learned some very valuable lessons in those challenging months. Candidly, I did not always achieve my goal of doing-what-Jesus-would-do as I endured their repeated attempts to undermine me. After months of dealing with one of the men, I discerned that God was telling me to let it go and raise no more words for my own defense. Losing a battle does not come easily to me but I sensed in my soul that God would be my defender and I would cause damage if I allowed the fight to go on. I put down my sword while the man continued to hack away at me. I felt that he won and it took me a while to become content in my commitment to obey God and keep my mouth shut. The issue with the other man was not nearly as intense but when a person throws a succession of rocks at you they don’t have to be huge to draw blood -they just have to be well-aimed. Again, God showed me in Scripture that I would need to be quiet and still as He worked out His plan accordingly. In my desire to fight with these two men, I had conveniently forgotten how deeply loved they were by God and how He desired to show them mercy even as they were blindly coming against me. I chose not to fight with these two children of God. I let it go and carried on with my very happy life.
This past week, and years after the two scenarios had played out, I received casual information about these brother’s lives. The news was not happy as each of them had imploded in ways that are not healthy to discuss. My point is not that I could now claim the “victory of vindication” but that…my sinful heart experienced a moment of smug satisfaction that actually felt momentarily good about their own losses. I did not share the news with anyone (and will not, so don’t ask me about it), nor did I thank God for balancing the scales with these two men. I didn’t act. I didn’t speak.
But I thought it. I felt it. I experienced inside of me a brief but entirely carnal satisfaction that the ones who hurt me were now hurting. In this moment I also failed the test of my character.
We can suppress our words and modify our actions to appear holy and acceptable before people but we are unable to do anything about our hearts which are read by God as an open book in bold font. How could I, one who has been forgiven copious amounts of personal sin and soul-failure, allow for ten seconds my heart to feel good about the pain of another? These men are hurting. Their families are hurting. The cause of Christ is sullied in the eyes of onlookers because these men have proclaimed Jesus as Lord. In the end I had to realize that it was nothing but pure selfishness that allowed my smugness to arise. What was the remedy? I actually pictured the face of Jesus Christ and what His expression would be as He beholds the trouble these men are in. Jesus wasn’t smiling or happy for me that the men were suffering. Jesus wasn’t thinking of them in the context of what they had done to me. In my mind I saw my Lord compassionately weeping over them and extending mercy to them and holding grace out to them as He moved swiftly to rescue them from the backwash of their sinful decisions. It was then that I realized that He was approaching me in the exact same way because of my self-righteous thoughts about the “payback” that I assumed had found these two men with whom I had once worshiped God. Not only do they need His rescue…I need it just as much.
Friends, when you come to this blog and read, please know that the author is a sinner. I am not yet free of sin’s effects in me. Christ has made me acceptable to the Father through forgiveness in His blood…but I am not yet complete. This is true for you, the reader. It is also true for my two brothers who are having to carry on today with broken shards of life at their feet. How could anyone feel benefited by the pain of another? May God remove from us all any and all potential to feel good when judgment finds another. We are called to be people of mercy. God, help us herein.
James 2:13 – “For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” {ESV}
I also have this kind of situation, and asked the Lord that If I forgive my friend, what will He do about their sin. The Lord is so good to answer, if we just continue to read His word. Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer…vs. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Vs. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all…vs.19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God…” I am not wishing wrath upon my friend, but pray for the Lord to pierce their heart for conviction and repentance. I wonder how many of my own sins our Lord is waiting for me to be convicted of and seek forgiveness from Him and the people that I have hurt.
Been experiencing the same thing, had the thoughts and fantasies, even out-loud rants with inanimate objects. I was told to ‘Keep Silent’. There was never a promise from God that I would ever be vindicated in this either. It was; just sit down and keep your mouth closed. Oh, I was yelling and making my argument inside though! But, the more I observed their behavior, the more the Holy Spirit revealed that those very same were attitudes deeply rooted, firmly entrenched in my own heart. The word came that as one who had offended so much, by what right did I take offence?
Even through all of this (and it isn’t done yet) I have seen every plot and every scheme against me designed to cause shipwreck and failure, God has miraculously, and mostly inexplicably thwarted, and just continued on with His own plan. I am learning, that as we stay in the will of God, the plans of the enemy have no effect. God wins anyway. It is, after all, for HIS glory. Even if we are killed, it’s still a win. Although like Paul said to the Hebrews; In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
So, there is, with each victory, the tendency to tell my side and defame them, to ‘rub it in’, or proclaim how righteous I am in a holier-than-thou comparison, in which, of course I would indeed be found wanting.
Boil that attitude all down and what you come up with is; hatred (which is a nice way of saying murder), self righteousness and as Jeff said, selfishness. But still so wanting in our hearts for God to do something, I am reminded of Jan Hus saying,
“Lord, deal with them, yet in Thy mercy”.
We have the parable of the wicked servant, and we know his end;
-Then his lord summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you besought me;
and should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’
And in anger his lord delivered him to the jailers, till he should pay all his debt.-
A debt that could not be paid by-the-way;10,000 talents! That is 150,000 years worth of wages!
He had already been forgiven, the unimaginable amount of mercy bestowed- as a gift! Yet when he was unmerciful to a man who owed him LESS than 4 months wages, the king on hearing this, withdrew his mercy and gave to him the original sentence.
This is how we are to view our debt to God and in light of this, others’ debts or trepass against us. What others do to us is infinitesimal in comparison to our own breaking of God’s laws. Yet we, at least I, still find this hard to do. To be like God, and actually DESIRE mercy….
It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the Living God, if God had treated me as I wish my tormentors to be ‘dealt with’, well, we know the end of that story too. Solomon tells us;
Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles; or the LORD will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him.
Even in all of our trial, as horrible as they may be, we are still just to sit and be silent, notice how Solomon continues;
Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of the wicked,
for the evil man has no future hope, and the lamp of the wicked will be snuffed out.
That, but for the mercy of God, is US – snuffed out! When we get the smugness (which is just a nice way of saying arrogance) in us, we are at heart saying ‘I’ was right, ‘I’ am vindicated, forgetting all the while, that it is God who IS right and God whose name is supposed to get the glory. (See John 12- [Jesus speaking] Father, glorify thy name. Then came there a voice from heaven, I have both glorified it, and will glorify it again) It really isn’t about us after all. We basically dismiss God and rejoice in our own brand of righteousness.
If I could just get my heart wrapped around this….and soon!
Thank you for sharing this. The deity of Jesus, for me, was very evident in His lack of defending Himself, in totally committing Himself to the Father, not one word in His own defense, nor was there the raging fire within that arises in us with only the slightest offense. His eyes see all things through eternity, we tend to just see the here and now and therefore the need to set things straight as we see fit. May He help us to commit all things into His hands, to grieve over the hardness of our hearts, and to believe it can be different.
I’m dealing with a similar situation right now, even this morning. My natural inclination is to come out with both barrels blazing. I want very much to reduce this man to dust. He quite literally is acting like a Proverbs fool and is creating dissension within our fellowship and beyond. Not surprisingly, I received the same instructions: leave him alone. It’s hard to do when he is so WRONG! I’ve confessed my several thoughts about decapitation. It certainly is a good thing for you and me that the Lord’s mercy endures forever! Mercy does, indeed triumph over judgment. I just wish it would do it faster.