So what are we going to do about the age-old issue of gossip? Far from being a harmless, tolerable idiosyncrasy, this category of sins which proceed from our mouths cause greater damage than we could possibly tally. I’ve been on both ends of this blunt object – regrettably, I’ve used my tongue to do damage and I’ve also been impaled more than a few times on the pointed words of others. After going through a recent bout of finding myself on the wrong end of mismanaged words of others, I was sharing with a friend concerning my dismay at feeling powerless to stop lies about me from circulating. I told him that it felt like chasing feathers in a hurricane and we both agreed that the best thing to do was to deal with the feathers that God allowed to land right at my feet while trusting Him with the ones that were blown to the nether-regions. There was a moment of silence in the discussion and then this 60-something year old brother said, “The real problem is with those who listen to this kind of stuff. If they refused to listen then the talking would have nowhere to go.”
“Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.” – Proverbs 11:13
We forget that the devil’s main weapon is the dispensing of false information. He’s a communicator – effective, purposed, deceptive and ceaseless. He chatted up Eve in the garden and plunged the human race into rebellion. He employed that forked tongue against the Son of God in the wilderness, mishandling Scripture and tempting Jesus to short-circuit the plan of redemption (Luke 4:1-15) . The very word devil signifies a false accuser or slanderer and we are rarely more like him than when we use our words to tear away at others. Unfortunately, this sin comes very easily too us and it often slips through unaddressed as we irresponsibly focus on “bigger sins” that occupy our minds. If I may insert a personal observation: much more damage has been done to the cause of Christ through sins of speech than any other category. The devil doesn’t want you to believe that.
So what do we do? – that’s the question for today. Well, we should first address this as an issue in our own lives. The closer your relationship with another person the more likely you are to gossip with them about others. Husbands and wives give each other a free pass on this because they are simply “sharing their thoughts” within the safe confines & sanctified covenant of their marriage. We wrongly think our vows to each other as spouses nullify our accountability to God to allow “no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29). Women get a bad rap for being the gossiping gender but I promise you that men do the same – women tend to whisper while men tend to roar. The end result is the same: the fountains of our sinful hearts bring forth an illogical blend of praise for God (one moment) and cursing our fellow humans (the next moment). As the Apostle James wrote, “Brothers, we ought not continue to do these things.”
After examining our own hearts and choosing the high road to neither proactively speak nor listen to speech that sinfully tears down others, we then are left with the question of what to do when others speak inaccurately against us. This issue is not as simple because we have some conflicting principle to considers. On the one hand, we are to welcome the Lord to be our Defender and to fight our battles. We are to turn the other cheek at times. We are to forgive and bless those who persecute us (Anyone else out there struggling with these elements of self-denial?). On the other hand, there is also the high call for us to hunger and thirst after righteousness, speak the truth in love, refute errors with legitimacy and to preserve our testimony (reputation?) as blameless. So… sometimes we fight the lies/gossip/slander/suspicion and sometimes we must let it go altogether. You are going to need wisdom to know when to do which. My approach usually involves an attempt to trace the misinformation back to the source. When I am successful at doing so I try to approach the individual with grace that gives him the benefit of the doubt. I ask questions. I listen to the responses. Most of the time there will a misunderstanding which is uncovered. Misunderstandings can fester and mutate into something out of bounds. They take on a form of their own and, when passed from person to person, eventually do real damage to people. If you can get to the source and cut it off at the root you are able to prevent further trouble. When you’ve been misunderstood and misrepresented you need to act calmly in truth and integrity and deal with the issue. It’s a beautiful experience when falsehoods stemming from misunderstandings can be corrected with an infusion of truth.
But sometimes people are just nasty and really want to lie about you. Then what do you do?
My advice: while they talk to others about you, you should talk to your Father about them. He hates those who sow discord (Proverbs 6:19) – mind you, it doesn’t say that God hates the sowing of discord but that He actually hates the one who does it. Chew on that one for a bit! I’m not in the upper echelon of spiritual gurus but I’m fairly confident that a holy, righteous and just God will eventually deal strongly with someone He hates. When someone has made it their malicious aim to assault your character and tear you apart, sometimes you just need to sit back and watch as God takes care of your business for you. By the way, while you are sitting back and watching you should do a little trembling because, if you are honest, you have also been one who has run off at the mouth about others before. God does not play around with this and the Lord Jesus Christ warned us in the unambiguous statement, “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak.” – Matthew 12:36 {ESV}. This was not a play on words from the Logos of God.
For further consideration I would like to leave us with my all-time favorite passage which addresses our propensity to sin with our mouths. It is fully intended to leave you speechless.
“Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few.” (Ecclesiastes 5:2 ESV)
I have been the offender in gossip and the subject of the same. I would rather be the subject any day.
As a “Significant Other” I have mistakenly approved myself to speak poorly of others “within the confines of my home” as you wrote. The cost was high – VERY high. As a gossip spread lies about the man I love, I resorted to bashing that liar to my man. It was private and I knew he would keep it in the home. No danger of hurting the gossip in any natural manner. It felt questionably “right” at the time – as if my ranting were building up the man I love up. I forgot that damage is not always evident in the natural realm. It reaches further – unseen, for a little while.
The result was that I fueled my man’s anger to the point that he responded irrationally when it came to a crisis. I would have done better to calm him by words of faith and confidence in him and in our God.
This was a huge lesson to me about the power of being the female in a relationship. The man is gonna turn to us for comfort and reassurance – may I offer only that from hereon out.
It will ultimately cost him (and me) to do otherwise.