There are occasions in the Christian life when your need drives you to a level of desperation for God.
Sometimes that desperation motivates you to brokenness and it is there that God delivers to you what He has been working on your behalf. For many months, if not for over a year, I have sensed the grip of God squeezing unhealthy air from my spiritual lungs. While the overarching quality of that time has been blessed and joyful, I confess that there has been within my heart an underlying sense of unease which has robbed me of precious moments of calm trust. Those of you who frequent the TT blog could likely sense that something was just not right with me in recent months as God was bringing things to a head. Many of you communicated that to me via email and phone calls. A handful of you challenged me to go to God with my wrestling and seek an answer. I found myself on certain days battling dread and despair, fear and fretfulness, sadness and self. There was one day when I finally said in transparency to my beloved Amy, “I’m a mess inside.”
Nearly 100% of what I was battling was a faulty inner response to difficulties surrounding me on the outside. Our church flooded during the week of Thanksgiving and caused quite an intrusion into our ministry framework. In that same time period I watched a handful of families depart from Meadow, several of them with a flippancy that is not consistent with those who have made a covenant with a church family – my heart broke as more than one of these families were not discerning God’s word and will. The financial stress in our country was finally being manifest in the giving of our church families as offerings were regularly falling short of the church budget. I was homebound for three straight days and sitting on the couch feeling sad and pressured within myself when the blizzard of ice and snow shut down Atlanta. My right-hand-man, Larry Miller, was diagnosed with melanoma. Though my family is so incredibly graced by God to be a very happy unit, I found myself being barraged daily with guilt and fear that I was failing miserably in my role as husband and father. The cumulative effect of all of these negatives was that I found myself in a mental/emotional/spiritual place that was akin to a person picking out caskets for their own funeral.
And for the first time in my Christian life I found myself wanting to give up.
While in Florida last week at a pastors conference I was able to be still and listen as God poured truth into me from several sources. My friend and colaborer, Nathan Young, helped me through my struggles as he is aware and involved in the context of what happens at Meadow. His input and willingness to listen without judgment was hugely beneficial. The dozen or so preachers who shared at the conference were all used in different ways to reveal to me God’s message for this season of challenges in my life. Paul Tripp was the exclamation point on God’s personal sermon to me on the next to last day of the conference. Through His message I was enlightened to the fact that I was assuming an inordinate amount of responsibility for things well beyond my control. I was feeling the weight of circumstances that I was powerless to change or prevent. In essence, I assigned myself the responsibilities that only God Himself is fit to carry. What was masking as responsible pastoral duties was nothing more than subtle pride which deceived me into thinking I was more essential than I really am. Below I summarize what Paul Tripp said in one excerpt from His unscripted message:
The disciples were in the storm upon the sea, not because they were unwise. The disciples were in the storm upon the sea, not because they were disobedient. The disciples were in the storm upon the sea, not because they were being punished. The disciples were in the storm upon the sea, not because it was a random, meaningless circumstance. They were there because Christ commanded them to be. He willed them into that difficulty so they would release their own glory and celebrate His as He walked on the water and stilled the storm.
In an instant, the precise hand of God peeled the layer of guilt and fear off my heart and powerfully reassured me that I was exactly where He willed me to be. That was all that I needed in that moment…to know that I was where He wanted me to be which meant that He was there with me.
I leave you with some encouragement today: if all of life smells sour and feels stale, if all doors of progress are bolted shut and doubly fastened, if while waiting for news of relief you only receive news of discouragement…don’t make the mistake that I had been making as described above. You may be exactly where you need to be and only one day away from the wisdom that will change your outlook. My circumstances have not budged but my heart has most definitely been renewed.