You know Christmas has lost touch with its original purpose when instead of gold, frankincense and myrrh you hear reports of pepper spray, stun-guns and beatdowns. What an insane display of depravity occurred last week when America’s Black Friday, the busiest shopping day of the year, resulted in multiple deaths across the land. People literally died in Wal-Marts and local malls. Ho-Ho-Ho! Merry Christmas?
I’m not a big fan of shopping malls in the first place. Shortly after marrying Amy I was made aware that you don’t need to purchase anything to commit to going shopping. Most men view shopping as this: know what you need/ get in automobile and drive to mall/ exit automobile and enter mall/ make direct line to store which sells your product/ purchase your product and immediately go back to the automobile to depart/ drive away fully satisfied that your mission was accomplished in as little time as possible. This is how a man “goes shopping”, and it is fully functional as it achieves the highest level of output with elimination of wasted energy and motion. Bada-bing, Bada-boom!
I tried this method with Amy within weeks of being married and red lights begin to flash as previously undetected alarms began to sound at heightened decibels. I had sinned. I found that when we went to the mall together that we were to stroll, not sprint. We were NOT to head directly to a targeted store in the mall but, rather, to visit multiple stores which sold items that I did not need. Shopping, I learned, was to peruse things, not necessarily to purchase them. Shopping was an event, not a mission with clear objectives. It took years for me to get this ingrained in me. For a long time when we frequented a mall together, I would still be functioning as laser-focused soldier attempting to conquer high ground. Assuming Amy was by my side I would enter the mall and begin the process I described above as reasonable males do instinctually; glancing to my right where Amy was just moments ago I would discover her twenty paces behind which required me to loop back around to become a team again. Ultimately I realized that her “event” was going to trump my “mission”. As all the testosterone drained from me I admitted defeatedly that I must become a shopper in order to be by her side. The only thing killed at the mall in those days was my hope to ever again enter into a mall quickly and exit even more quickly. Somebody should be playing Taps on a trumpet about right now.
Now I stroll through the mall and look at things like women’s sandals and overpriced cookware that we never buy. I stand by and smile when she holds up an outfit for Alicia and asks me, “Isn’t this cute?”, and then puts it back on the rack even though I had replied, “Quite cute, indeed, m’ love.” Interestingly, we don’t really spend much money because, as we ALL now know, shopping is not buying. Shopping is akin to voting in an American presidential election: you show up, go through the motions and hold little hope that anything of substance will occur afterward.
So, if you are male and going to the mall with thine wife, please know that the objective is not to purchase anything – you should feel silly for ever thinking so, foolish male! You will not be satisfied with any sense of mission accomplished. You must train your mind to import new objectives into the “event” of shopping. If I see you there at the mall i will look into your eyes and you will find compassion from me because I too know your angst of defeat. Press on, my brother, press on! Based on last week’s news reports I have chosen my new objective as simply making it out of the mall alive without being shot by another patron, beaten down by the mall cop, or tasered with a stun-gun by someone who really wants that digitally remastered Barry Manilow CD that I accidentally picked up. I believe we can do it, men!
Happy holidays. 🙂
Very funny! Well stated! Go thy way and sin no more, preacher.
Some lyrics from a Sara Groves song :-
There will never be an end to • The request upon your time • It’s your place to stand up and tell the world • You’ve got to rest awhile
And everything is important • But everything is not • At the end of your life your relationships are all you’ve got •
And love to me is when you put down that one more thing and say • I’ve got something better to do • And love to me is when you walk out on that one more thing and say • Nothing will come between me and you • Not even one more thing • •
And I guess that includes going to Mall of Georgia with your beloved, just for the joy of being with her !!
got that right… if mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy. if daddy’s not happy….. nobody cares!
Worse still…nobody notices
You clearly don’t moan and wail loud enough, Jeff 😉
You nailed it!
I am laughing! 🙂